Soap and the Gender Gap

Has anyone seen the commercials for the enticing new scent from Old Spice? While Old Spice has, for years, dazzled the senses with a number of versions of the traditional old-man-smell, they now seem to market towards a younger, more aggressively manly population. The new scent is called "Swagger," and its commercial depicts (I believe) a lame kid at a medieval fair/role playing type of activity in the woods being bullied, and then fast-forwards to his older, cooler, more athletic adult-self, wearing - you guessed it - Swagger. Clearly, Swagger will catapult you into manhood.

I was thinking about it in the grocery store the other day. What does Swagger mean to me? When I think about the word "swagger," I think of cowboys or pirates or pimps... or some other type with an occupational limp. Neither the scent of cowboy, pirate nor pimp really drives me into any sort of lust-frenzy. Actually, the thought of their respective stanks is pretty horrifying. Then, in the soap/deodorant aisle of Hannaford, I had another thought - I'm thinking about this all wrong! I've got to think like a man, not a me. Thus prompted a whole lot of unnecessary perusal of hygienic supplies...

No commercially constructed man wants to shower themselves in a scent marked "baby powder," "rain shower," "cashmere silk," "lavender/vanilla bean," or any other traditionally girly-sounding fragrance. To them, swagger is not the pungent and pasty odor of balls-sweat. No, no. It's the scent of manliness and sexual attraction. Looking at some of the other deodorant scents only confirmed this: Morning After (gross), Turbo Clean (wishful thinking), Musk (more balls-sweat), Marine (either rotting ocean-smell or sweaty military - you pick), and Dark Temptation (this last one holds a special place in my humor as the commercial associated with it depicts the stereotypical female attraction to chocolate. The deodorant actually smells like chocolate, and is intended to trigger the same female attraction to your... armpit. Right. We women are definitely that easily tricked), Hummer (actually by the makers of Hummer. Should smell something like the holes in the ozone getting wider and wider mixed with a dash of ego and a hint of over-compensation). The men buying these products are really trying to outfit their pits to charm us wiley women...

After deodorants, I got to the body wash section. Jon says men don't use body wash, they use bar soap, because body wash and shower loofas are for "girls." Well, the makers of AXE have solved that little dilemma with a loofa cleverly disguised and advertised as a "Detailer." It's black, brown or navy, has a "no-slip-grip" feature and promises to detail your chiseled corners like you're a mint-condition-69-Mustang. Pair it with some "dual charged" man-soap concoction and you've got a pheromone bath sure to lure in the lustiest of ladies. And no one will ever know you spent 45 minutes exfoliating, moisturizing, and cleansing with a souped-up shower poof.


In conclusion, I'd like to offer up my own suggestions for advertise-able man-scents:

Territory (as in, I'd like to mark you as my...)
Lumberjack Spice
Virility (see earlier post to know why that's a good one)
Pheromone
Primal (probably what they smell like sans product at all)
Rustic Musk
Swamp Ass
"Pussy" (Jon's suggestion, along with "Boobs," "Beer," and "Huntin'." Thanks, buddy.)

Please feel free to add to the list.