All I want for Christmas

Seems like the holiday bug is going around! In the spirit of pure, unadulterated, commercialized, Christmas fun, I've decided to create a wish list of my own...

#1: The Stadium Gal

Sister product to the "Stadium Pal," this magical creation is a discreet external catheter for use by women only. Useful during sports events, long drives, work hours, etc., this product is perfect for all of us who can't be bothered to search out a bathroom. After affixing the catheter, urine flows through a tube, down to the "freedom leg bag," which is cleverly and effectively concealed under any loose-fitting pant. This product begs the question, "bet you can't guess what I'm doing right now."

#2: Uncle Booger's Bumper Dumper

In line with the Stadium Gal, I propose an addition to my wish list to take care of all excrement not appropriate to the "freedom leg bag." The Bumper Dumper is just that- a complete throne attachable to any modern trailer hitch. Why bother hitting up the nearest pit stop when you can have it follow you wherever you go? Might draw some odd looks from passers-by, but when they get the urge and struggle to find an appropriate stop, and you're happily set up on the side of the road, taking care of business, who'll be laughing then?

#3: A DIY Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass Kit (3 included) So everyone's looking to shed a few pounds. You fools out there with the Weight Watchers points and all have the wrong idea. This little dandy provides the effectiveness of gastric bypass surgery without the hassle of hospital procedures and those pesky surgical processes. And you can do it three times.

#4: Fetus Cookie Cutter

Following my DIY gastric bypass, I'll need to make everything I eat count. No longer will the common cookie suffice. If I eat a cookie, I want it to be a fetus cookie. Look how cute that chocolate chip eye is!

#5: An anti-riot tactical helmet and face mask

For when the students decide to fight back.

#6: Jesus Action Figure

Wind Him up and watch Him go! What a buzzkill this little guy'd be at GI Joe parties... Wind-up Jesus ALWAYS wins.

#7: Wolf Urine

100% all natural, this product features 32oz of pure wolf urine in a handy, easy-to-pour container. I don't know who wouldn't put this on their wish list.

#8: Cold War Unicorns

Act out for yourself the battle between Communism and Capitalism amidst the majestic pitter-patter of unicorn hooves.

#9: Season Shot

This is an interesting one: A dissolvable, flavored bullet, designed to season your meat before it's even hit the ground. Wow.

#10: Chlamydia

A giant, stuffed, chlamydia microbe? Yes please. Also comes in Ebola, Herpes, Flu, HIV, The Plague, Mono, The Clap, and E. Coli. Nothing says "holiday cheer" like waking up with a cute, fuzzy little chlamydia pal in bed next to you.

#11: Butt-out

Featured by Cabela's as a "must have" for the holidays, Butt-out is the most efficient anus-removal tool on the market. Fits in your pocket for quick access in those emergency anus-removal situations. Puts a new (and surprisingly professional) spin on "ripping someone a new one," eh?

So, there you go. Ready. Set. SHOP!