Thursday, November 5, 2009

Updated Resume

For months now, I've been unemployed. I've searched for, interviewed for, and been rejected from a number of organizations, despite the well-known fact that I'm patently awesome. Clearly, the employers in the Bangor region are delusional.

Because I'm a fighter, though, I can't quit. In an effort to increase my hireability, I've taken some time to reflect on the possible reasons behind this unfortunate phenomenon. While walking through the figurative application process - looking for the shortcomings - I realized where my candidacy was weak. It's my resume. As it stands, my resume is very basic: Education, Experience, Training, Recognition, References. Boring. Additionally, it doesn't take into account at all the lessons I've learned in the past 5 months of idleness. So, I've developed an addendum to my resume that better encompasses my strengths as a potential employee. A-like so...

Special Skills
Sarcasm and emotional terrorism.
Sustainable weight-gain.
Passive aggression.
Smoking, tanning, and the regular employment of other known carcinogens.
Effective placement of the “Bumpit” hair-volumizing system.

Karaoke Repertoire
“Shake that Ass” (Eminem)
“Bitches Ain’t Shit” (Dr. Dre)
“Bust a Move” (Young MC)
“Baby Got Back” (Sir Mix-a-Lot)
“Honky-tonk Badonkadonk” (Trace Adkins)
All songs pertaining to Christmas and/or the baby Jesus.

Current Projects
Perfecting Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” dance for impromptu performance.
Learning all lyrics to “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”
Founding and presiding over a street gang.

Jokes pertaining to bodily functions.
The Red Sox.

Monday – Thursday.
Clowns, puppets, and dolls.
The word “moist.”

This is still a work in progress... Let me know if you have other awesome things for me to add.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Mallville 1.0

As an avid patroller of social networking sites, I’ve noticed the recent development of a disturbing trend befouling the Facebook realm. In the past several weeks, an alarming number of my internet acquaintances have taken it upon themselves to fashion virtual farms by way of a popular application entitled “Farmville.” With this interactive game, participants can create a unique farming character to plant and harvest a variety of crops, raise cutesy cartoon barnyard animals, erect farm-ish buildings, and purchase and send agricultural gifts to other players. My news feed is plagued with stories of lonely ducklings and lost sheep turning up on so-and-so’s property and an endless barrage of “photos” depicting these ridiculous (and completely imaginary) conglomerates. I like my news feed to give me straight-up gossip and stories of my friends’ misfortune. Not incessant updates on how your bogus strawberry patch is fairing. Let the record show that I hate Farmville.
To combat this agricultural phenomenon, while simultaneously satisfying the perverse joy I get from squashing others’ fun, I am trying to garner support for the development of a program to counter Farmville. I call this emerging application “Mallville.”
Similar to Farmville, Mallville will exist as a Facebook application designed to enhance social networking through various player interactions. Contrary to the innocence of Farmvillers, however, players of Mallville build virtual strip malls, parking lots, and elaborate multi-level parking garages to simulate suiting the realistic needs of our consumer-driven, contemporary economy. In Mallville, there is no room for the archaic pastoral community, and as such, players of Mallville are heartily encouraged to bulldoze, fill, and develop their friends’ virtual farms. “Expansion Points” will be earned by Mallville developers who successfully demolish Farmville properties and effectively supervise the construction of readily accessible shopping centers in their stead. When accumulated in bulk, these points can be used to purchase landfill by the ton, excavation machinery, concrete, asphalt, and other items necessary to aid in all destruction and construction efforts.
Anticipating the immediate popularity of Mallville, my hope is that all Farmville operations will be squelched within several days of the initial Mallville launch. Farmville participants will be encouraged to continue involvement by applying for entry-level positions within Mallville operations, including (but not limited to) demolition, construction, and management of the various slaughterhouses that will be necessarily and immediately assembled to process the elimination of millions of cutesy cartoonish farm animals.
So, please keep checking your Facebook applications for the advent of Mallville. And for all you cyber-farmers out there, don’t be surprised if you wake up early one morning to harvest your imaginary crop and find a virtual Walgreen’s where your fake corn field used to be. Agrarianism is so last season. Pave or be paved!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Application for Friendship

League of Superiority
“We win.”
Application for Admission
I. Personal Information

Name: ____________________ Age: ______
Looks on a scale of 1-10*: _______
*If rated under "8," please explain: ________________________________

Hair color: ________Eye color: ___________
Prosthetics (please list): _______________________

If you were a Spice Girl, you would be ______________________Spice.

II. Brief Assessment of Critical Values

Favorite denim wash: ______________

Favorite word in personal vocabulary beginning with the letter “d”: ______

Number of Facebook Friends: __________

Favorite baseball team: ______________________________

America’s finest news source: _____________________________

In the past 7 days, how many times have you:

Made someone cry: _____
Rolled your eyes: ______
Worn tapered-leg pants: ______
Flipped someone off: _______
Listened to Miley Cyrus: ______
Littered: _______
Laughed at the misfortune of another: ______

How many “Chicken Soup for the Soul” books do you own?*: __________
*If more than 0, please stop writing and slap yourself in the face.

When did you last willingly wear a scrunchy?: __________

III. Multiple Choice

Sarcasm is…
A. …scarcasm.
B. …inappropriate for the workplace.
C. …the language in which I am most fluent.
D. …sometimes hard to understand and usually hurtful.

The most effective form of subtle mockery comes by way of the…
A. …fist.
B. …eyebrows.
C. …mouth.
D. …meaningful embrace.

Ann Coulter is to “conniving harpy” as Jon Gosselin is to…
A. “spider monkey.”
B. “4.”
C. “capital dickhead.”
D. “misunderstood.”

The “L.L.” in “L.L. Bean” stands for
A. Lumberjack Lesbian
B. Live Long
C. Leon Leonwood
D. Suck it

IV. Word Association
Please write the first word or phrase that comes to mind when reading each prompt
Example: New Jersey: scabies
Orphan: _______________________________________________
Hot Pocket: _____________________________________________
Brangelina: _____________________________________________
Moist: _________________________________________________
Shank: _________________________________________________
Basketball: ______________________________________________
Little nugget: ____________________________________________
Irish: ___________________________________________________

V. Essays
1. In a brief essay, please rate your aptitude for passive aggression and give several examples as to how this ability has been employed to ruin someone else’s day.

2. Please describe your stance on shoulder pads in haiku form (5 syllables–7 syllables–5 syllables).

3. Please compose a personal statement, in 200 words or less, detailing your superiority to your peers.

VI. Acknowledgement of Applicant Rights and Responsibilities

I, _________________________, do affirm that the information stated in this application is accurate and complete. I understand that the content of my application shall remain confidential unless those league members reviewing my portfolio discover anything suitable for my public derision, at which point I relinquish all rights to privacy and will give every effort to refrain from weeping. Such instances of potential disclosure include, but are not limited to; grammatical errors, incorrect answers, poorly constructed Haiku, inability to follow directions, and shameless assumptions on the part of the review team.
Signature: ___________________________________________________________

Office Use Only:
Candidate rated on scale of doucheness (1-5): ____________

Saturday, August 8, 2009

The Exisle

This is my summer of unemployment. I use the term “summer” in its most alleged sense, since the better part of the 2009 season has included weeks of relentless rain, record-breaking low temperatures, and a mosquito hatching fierce enough to rival a biblical plague. That picturesque Maine summer marketed to the out-of-state public as “Vacationland,” or “The way life should be” seems to have settled elsewhere this year. I hear Seattle is experiencing uncommonly beautiful weather right now. Assholes.

Any other summer, I might have taken this period of unemployment to participate in those adventure-y, tourist-y, nature-y activities so often taken for granted by the local (working) population. However, the combination of dismal weather and depleted funds has thwarted my anticipated escapades and rendered me basically house-bound. So, like any good American, I watch TV.

Highlights from my summer of couchitude include “So You Think You Can Dance,” “Chelsea Lately,” and the endless barrage of “Law and Order: SVU” episodes that has essentially cornered the market of my epileptically vacant attention. Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad, and it is the list of summer television lowlights that has prompted my return to the blogosphere.

With the exception of the abovementioned programs, it seems as though every time I turn on the television I am instantly annoyed. It is the news, in particular, that irritates me most consistently. I tried to watch exclusively entertainment broadcasts to avoid the atrocities of legitimate news, but can’t seem to stay away from my morning dose of MSNBC. I am an addict, and the vastness of human stupidity regularly publicized by the media guarantees no foreseeable end to my frustration.

To cope with this affliction, I have constructed an imaginary island where all those who aggravate me are to be sent. In my mind, the island is uncomfortably hot, barren, and surrounded by barbed wire to prevent any unsolicited departures. Similar to Guantanamo, but without the comfort of barracks and industrial disinfectants. I call it my “Exisle.” Although the roster of potential detainees may seem dauntingly lengthy, I have taken the time to narrow my list to a workable number.

My first nomination for eternal banishment is Rush Limbaugh. Although I am unsure as to how such an unfortunate-looking beast has charmed his way into so many conservative hearts, I’ll wager a guess that his decision to rant over the radio as opposed to on television had something to do with it. While Limbaugh’s crimes of annoyance are basically countless, Contessa Brewer noted that the first person in an argument to reference the Nazi party automatically loses the dispute and any right to further the conversation whatsoever. Well, Rush… you lose. Bon voyage.

My next recommendation for exile is one Jon Gosselin. Regardless of how sadistic Kate may appear (my thoughts go to a Chelsea Lately episode where she was described as “a conniving succubus”), it seems as though her aggressions where rightfully exercised. Any man who fathers eight children and then decides that he “missed out on his 20s” and wants to “enjoy his youth” deserves whatever abrasiveness comes his way. This is particularly relevant when his reintroduction into singleness includes bald sexcapades and reckless substance use sure to make its way back to the same television screen that raised his children. Well… have I got a vacation for you. Aloha, douchebag.

In an effort to remain gender-neutral in my proposed banishment, I would like to now add Sarah Palin to the roster. As Palin initially began her expedited ascent into the limelight, it was somewhat heartening to see a fellow woman so publically revered for her accomplishments and political prowess. It was not long, however, before she managed to contemporize the negative stereotypes historically associated with American women by way of her irrational reaction to a comedian’s provocation and her flighty resignation from her post as governor of Alaska. You can see Russia from your house? Great. Dasvidaniya, freak.

Finally, I would like to round out my list of suggested exports with the mother of all public nuisances (quite literally), The Octomom. Though I feel as though the doctor who had a direct hand in her rapidly multiplying and wildly underserved brood shares much of the blame, I’d like to give mom the primary boot. From her efforts to trademark “Octomom” for explicit use in reference to her imaginary line of designer clothes for infants, to her recent multi-million-dollar reality-television agreement, Suleman receives a solid “A” for child-exploitation and an “A+” for consistently fouling the news. The kiddos stay here; Octomom goes. Later, Eighter.

So, I give you the most recently solidified list of my nominations for exile. My proposal would be neither complete nor official without alternates, who are as follows:

Dishonorable Mentions

Miley Cyrus, for marketing adolescence as “sexy,” and audibly chewing gum mid-interview.
Ann Coulter, for being so openly and maliciously hateful. And horse-faced.
John Mayer, for holding an impromptu press conference outside of his gym to announce that he was breaking up with Jennifer Aniston, rather than the other way around. Ick.
Kathy Lee Gifford, for ruining The Today Show.