Thursday, November 5, 2009

Updated Resume

For months now, I've been unemployed. I've searched for, interviewed for, and been rejected from a number of organizations, despite the well-known fact that I'm patently awesome. Clearly, the employers in the Bangor region are delusional.

Because I'm a fighter, though, I can't quit. In an effort to increase my hireability, I've taken some time to reflect on the possible reasons behind this unfortunate phenomenon. While walking through the figurative application process - looking for the shortcomings - I realized where my candidacy was weak. It's my resume. As it stands, my resume is very basic: Education, Experience, Training, Recognition, References. Boring. Additionally, it doesn't take into account at all the lessons I've learned in the past 5 months of idleness. So, I've developed an addendum to my resume that better encompasses my strengths as a potential employee. A-like so...

Special Skills
Sarcasm and emotional terrorism.
Sustainable weight-gain.
Passive aggression.
Smoking, tanning, and the regular employment of other known carcinogens.
Effective placement of the “Bumpit” hair-volumizing system.

Karaoke Repertoire
“Shake that Ass” (Eminem)
“Bitches Ain’t Shit” (Dr. Dre)
“Bust a Move” (Young MC)
“Baby Got Back” (Sir Mix-a-Lot)
“Honky-tonk Badonkadonk” (Trace Adkins)
All songs pertaining to Christmas and/or the baby Jesus.

Current Projects
Perfecting Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” dance for impromptu performance.
Learning all lyrics to “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”
Founding and presiding over a street gang.

Jokes pertaining to bodily functions.
The Red Sox.

Monday – Thursday.
Clowns, puppets, and dolls.
The word “moist.”

This is still a work in progress... Let me know if you have other awesome things for me to add.