Friday, August 28, 2009

Application for Friendship

League of Superiority
“We win.”
Application for Admission
I. Personal Information

Name: ____________________ Age: ______
Looks on a scale of 1-10*: _______
*If rated under "8," please explain: ________________________________

Hair color: ________Eye color: ___________
Prosthetics (please list): _______________________

If you were a Spice Girl, you would be ______________________Spice.

II. Brief Assessment of Critical Values

Favorite denim wash: ______________

Favorite word in personal vocabulary beginning with the letter “d”: ______

Number of Facebook Friends: __________

Favorite baseball team: ______________________________

America’s finest news source: _____________________________

In the past 7 days, how many times have you:

Made someone cry: _____
Rolled your eyes: ______
Worn tapered-leg pants: ______
Flipped someone off: _______
Listened to Miley Cyrus: ______
Littered: _______
Laughed at the misfortune of another: ______

How many “Chicken Soup for the Soul” books do you own?*: __________
*If more than 0, please stop writing and slap yourself in the face.

When did you last willingly wear a scrunchy?: __________

III. Multiple Choice

Sarcasm is…
A. …scarcasm.
B. …inappropriate for the workplace.
C. …the language in which I am most fluent.
D. …sometimes hard to understand and usually hurtful.

The most effective form of subtle mockery comes by way of the…
A. …fist.
B. …eyebrows.
C. …mouth.
D. …meaningful embrace.

Ann Coulter is to “conniving harpy” as Jon Gosselin is to…
A. “spider monkey.”
B. “4.”
C. “capital dickhead.”
D. “misunderstood.”

The “L.L.” in “L.L. Bean” stands for
A. Lumberjack Lesbian
B. Live Long
C. Leon Leonwood
D. Suck it

IV. Word Association
Please write the first word or phrase that comes to mind when reading each prompt
Example: New Jersey: scabies
Orphan: _______________________________________________
Hot Pocket: _____________________________________________
Brangelina: _____________________________________________
Moist: _________________________________________________
Shank: _________________________________________________
Basketball: ______________________________________________
Little nugget: ____________________________________________
Irish: ___________________________________________________

V. Essays
1. In a brief essay, please rate your aptitude for passive aggression and give several examples as to how this ability has been employed to ruin someone else’s day.

2. Please describe your stance on shoulder pads in haiku form (5 syllables–7 syllables–5 syllables).

3. Please compose a personal statement, in 200 words or less, detailing your superiority to your peers.

VI. Acknowledgement of Applicant Rights and Responsibilities

I, _________________________, do affirm that the information stated in this application is accurate and complete. I understand that the content of my application shall remain confidential unless those league members reviewing my portfolio discover anything suitable for my public derision, at which point I relinquish all rights to privacy and will give every effort to refrain from weeping. Such instances of potential disclosure include, but are not limited to; grammatical errors, incorrect answers, poorly constructed Haiku, inability to follow directions, and shameless assumptions on the part of the review team.
Signature: ___________________________________________________________

Office Use Only:
Candidate rated on scale of doucheness (1-5): ____________

1 comment:

AG said...

This remains of of the funniest things I've ever read.