Free-ballin'

Greetings from the Northcountry! In the land of 6-month winters, ski havens, L.L. Bean, and freakishly affordable lobster, we Mainers now have a new distinguishing characteristic - Nude bowling!

Big-ball bowling? Lame. Little-ball bowling? For amatures. Free-ball bowling? Now that's something worth investigating...

It seems as though an Old Town bowling establishment has taken it upon themselves to market and facilitate a "nude bowling" night. I'm not entirely sure how the Department of Health and Human Services hasn't burnt this arena to the ground by now, but a colleague tells me that nude bowling night at the local candlepin alley remains a popular night out for locals seeking to shed the constraints of socially acceptable garb and simply wing it. So to speak.

I'm not terribly conservative, nor do I tend to pass judgment on lifestyles different than my own. However, in thinking about the concepts of Old Town, nudity, and bowling as interrelated, I have a few questions and comments that need addressing prior to my taking part in any of this.

For starters, let's discuss the region. Old Town. Home to the Old Town Canoe factory, the abandoned paper mill, and about 8,000 true Mainers. Although I'm a fan of Maine and its respective citizens through and through, I'm also keenly aware of the nature of said inhabitants.

Nothing is glamorous here, nor should it be. Until last year when the mill shut down, any shift in the weather involving a wind change churned up a stench from the paper mill likened by many to the smell of rotting broccoli. We'd refer to it as a "bad mill day" and go about our business, taking special care to spend as little time out of doors as humanly possible. Dressing up in Maine involves a pair of jeans, some type of insulated boot (the incorporation of Uggs into general fashion was a lifesaver for Mainers, who could now blend acceptable fashion with functionality), and the nicest fleece you have in your closet (dress fleece). Not a whole lot of time spent on glitz and glamour when a significant portion of "going out" involves frantically avoiding frostbite. So, to imagine what true Mainers look like under their clothes, one might only have to imagine what a Viking might look like naked. Big. Pale. Furry.

Then, I'd like to address the act of bowling. There seems to be an awful lot of jostling, running, heaving, squatting and jumping involved with this sport - so much, in fact, that I wonder if anyone (clothed or not) can possibly use bowling prowess as a positive physical attribute. Picture how you look when you bowl - do you incorporate a fancy wind-up? Do you take big lunging steps or hop along in short quick steps? Do you bend over and hurl the ball between your legs? Do you hold a certain pose as you watch your ball collide with the pins? Have you developed any sort of winning-dance? Have you ever fallen? These things may not be so important when clothed, but I feel like the physical act of bowling, in the nude, might not be so cute. Especially when you add Vikings to the vision.

Finally, I'd like to reference the big question that came out of the office upon learning about this sport-horror taking place so close to home. Todd asked, "Do you have to wear bowling shoes?"

From what I understand, you have to participate FULLY in order to attend nude bowling night in Old Town. Lord knows what it would look like if they opened the doors to participants and spectators... Since I have no plans to bowl naked in the near future, I'll apologize now for the abrupt end to this investigation. However, should a colleague decide to grin and [bare] it, I'll let you know more details.