All I want for Christmas

Seems like the holiday bug is going around! In the spirit of pure, unadulterated, commercialized, Christmas fun, I've decided to create a wish list of my own...

#1: The Stadium Gal

Sister product to the "Stadium Pal," this magical creation is a discreet external catheter for use by women only. Useful during sports events, long drives, work hours, etc., this product is perfect for all of us who can't be bothered to search out a bathroom. After affixing the catheter, urine flows through a tube, down to the "freedom leg bag," which is cleverly and effectively concealed under any loose-fitting pant. This product begs the question, "bet you can't guess what I'm doing right now."

#2: Uncle Booger's Bumper Dumper

In line with the Stadium Gal, I propose an addition to my wish list to take care of all excrement not appropriate to the "freedom leg bag." The Bumper Dumper is just that- a complete throne attachable to any modern trailer hitch. Why bother hitting up the nearest pit stop when you can have it follow you wherever you go? Might draw some odd looks from passers-by, but when they get the urge and struggle to find an appropriate stop, and you're happily set up on the side of the road, taking care of business, who'll be laughing then?

#3: A DIY Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass Kit (3 included) So everyone's looking to shed a few pounds. You fools out there with the Weight Watchers points and all have the wrong idea. This little dandy provides the effectiveness of gastric bypass surgery without the hassle of hospital procedures and those pesky surgical processes. And you can do it three times.

#4: Fetus Cookie Cutter

Following my DIY gastric bypass, I'll need to make everything I eat count. No longer will the common cookie suffice. If I eat a cookie, I want it to be a fetus cookie. Look how cute that chocolate chip eye is!

#5: An anti-riot tactical helmet and face mask

For when the students decide to fight back.

#6: Jesus Action Figure

Wind Him up and watch Him go! What a buzzkill this little guy'd be at GI Joe parties... Wind-up Jesus ALWAYS wins.

#7: Wolf Urine

100% all natural, this product features 32oz of pure wolf urine in a handy, easy-to-pour container. I don't know who wouldn't put this on their wish list.

#8: Cold War Unicorns

Act out for yourself the battle between Communism and Capitalism amidst the majestic pitter-patter of unicorn hooves.

#9: Season Shot

This is an interesting one: A dissolvable, flavored bullet, designed to season your meat before it's even hit the ground. Wow.

#10: Chlamydia

A giant, stuffed, chlamydia microbe? Yes please. Also comes in Ebola, Herpes, Flu, HIV, The Plague, Mono, The Clap, and E. Coli. Nothing says "holiday cheer" like waking up with a cute, fuzzy little chlamydia pal in bed next to you.

#11: Butt-out

Featured by Cabela's as a "must have" for the holidays, Butt-out is the most efficient anus-removal tool on the market. Fits in your pocket for quick access in those emergency anus-removal situations. Puts a new (and surprisingly professional) spin on "ripping someone a new one," eh?

So, there you go. Ready. Set. SHOP!

Soap and the Gender Gap

Has anyone seen the commercials for the enticing new scent from Old Spice? While Old Spice has, for years, dazzled the senses with a number of versions of the traditional old-man-smell, they now seem to market towards a younger, more aggressively manly population. The new scent is called "Swagger," and its commercial depicts (I believe) a lame kid at a medieval fair/role playing type of activity in the woods being bullied, and then fast-forwards to his older, cooler, more athletic adult-self, wearing - you guessed it - Swagger. Clearly, Swagger will catapult you into manhood.

I was thinking about it in the grocery store the other day. What does Swagger mean to me? When I think about the word "swagger," I think of cowboys or pirates or pimps... or some other type with an occupational limp. Neither the scent of cowboy, pirate nor pimp really drives me into any sort of lust-frenzy. Actually, the thought of their respective stanks is pretty horrifying. Then, in the soap/deodorant aisle of Hannaford, I had another thought - I'm thinking about this all wrong! I've got to think like a man, not a me. Thus prompted a whole lot of unnecessary perusal of hygienic supplies...

No commercially constructed man wants to shower themselves in a scent marked "baby powder," "rain shower," "cashmere silk," "lavender/vanilla bean," or any other traditionally girly-sounding fragrance. To them, swagger is not the pungent and pasty odor of balls-sweat. No, no. It's the scent of manliness and sexual attraction. Looking at some of the other deodorant scents only confirmed this: Morning After (gross), Turbo Clean (wishful thinking), Musk (more balls-sweat), Marine (either rotting ocean-smell or sweaty military - you pick), and Dark Temptation (this last one holds a special place in my humor as the commercial associated with it depicts the stereotypical female attraction to chocolate. The deodorant actually smells like chocolate, and is intended to trigger the same female attraction to your... armpit. Right. We women are definitely that easily tricked), Hummer (actually by the makers of Hummer. Should smell something like the holes in the ozone getting wider and wider mixed with a dash of ego and a hint of over-compensation). The men buying these products are really trying to outfit their pits to charm us wiley women...

After deodorants, I got to the body wash section. Jon says men don't use body wash, they use bar soap, because body wash and shower loofas are for "girls." Well, the makers of AXE have solved that little dilemma with a loofa cleverly disguised and advertised as a "Detailer." It's black, brown or navy, has a "no-slip-grip" feature and promises to detail your chiseled corners like you're a mint-condition-69-Mustang. Pair it with some "dual charged" man-soap concoction and you've got a pheromone bath sure to lure in the lustiest of ladies. And no one will ever know you spent 45 minutes exfoliating, moisturizing, and cleansing with a souped-up shower poof.


In conclusion, I'd like to offer up my own suggestions for advertise-able man-scents:

Territory (as in, I'd like to mark you as my...)
Lumberjack Spice
Virility (see earlier post to know why that's a good one)
Pheromone
Primal (probably what they smell like sans product at all)
Rustic Musk
Swamp Ass
"Pussy" (Jon's suggestion, along with "Boobs," "Beer," and "Huntin'." Thanks, buddy.)

Please feel free to add to the list.

Free-ballin'

Greetings from the Northcountry! In the land of 6-month winters, ski havens, L.L. Bean, and freakishly affordable lobster, we Mainers now have a new distinguishing characteristic - Nude bowling!

Big-ball bowling? Lame. Little-ball bowling? For amatures. Free-ball bowling? Now that's something worth investigating...

It seems as though an Old Town bowling establishment has taken it upon themselves to market and facilitate a "nude bowling" night. I'm not entirely sure how the Department of Health and Human Services hasn't burnt this arena to the ground by now, but a colleague tells me that nude bowling night at the local candlepin alley remains a popular night out for locals seeking to shed the constraints of socially acceptable garb and simply wing it. So to speak.

I'm not terribly conservative, nor do I tend to pass judgment on lifestyles different than my own. However, in thinking about the concepts of Old Town, nudity, and bowling as interrelated, I have a few questions and comments that need addressing prior to my taking part in any of this.

For starters, let's discuss the region. Old Town. Home to the Old Town Canoe factory, the abandoned paper mill, and about 8,000 true Mainers. Although I'm a fan of Maine and its respective citizens through and through, I'm also keenly aware of the nature of said inhabitants.

Nothing is glamorous here, nor should it be. Until last year when the mill shut down, any shift in the weather involving a wind change churned up a stench from the paper mill likened by many to the smell of rotting broccoli. We'd refer to it as a "bad mill day" and go about our business, taking special care to spend as little time out of doors as humanly possible. Dressing up in Maine involves a pair of jeans, some type of insulated boot (the incorporation of Uggs into general fashion was a lifesaver for Mainers, who could now blend acceptable fashion with functionality), and the nicest fleece you have in your closet (dress fleece). Not a whole lot of time spent on glitz and glamour when a significant portion of "going out" involves frantically avoiding frostbite. So, to imagine what true Mainers look like under their clothes, one might only have to imagine what a Viking might look like naked. Big. Pale. Furry.

Then, I'd like to address the act of bowling. There seems to be an awful lot of jostling, running, heaving, squatting and jumping involved with this sport - so much, in fact, that I wonder if anyone (clothed or not) can possibly use bowling prowess as a positive physical attribute. Picture how you look when you bowl - do you incorporate a fancy wind-up? Do you take big lunging steps or hop along in short quick steps? Do you bend over and hurl the ball between your legs? Do you hold a certain pose as you watch your ball collide with the pins? Have you developed any sort of winning-dance? Have you ever fallen? These things may not be so important when clothed, but I feel like the physical act of bowling, in the nude, might not be so cute. Especially when you add Vikings to the vision.

Finally, I'd like to reference the big question that came out of the office upon learning about this sport-horror taking place so close to home. Todd asked, "Do you have to wear bowling shoes?"

From what I understand, you have to participate FULLY in order to attend nude bowling night in Old Town. Lord knows what it would look like if they opened the doors to participants and spectators... Since I have no plans to bowl naked in the near future, I'll apologize now for the abrupt end to this investigation. However, should a colleague decide to grin and [bare] it, I'll let you know more details.